American English Grammer

American English vs. British English

American English is the form of English used in the United States. It includes all English dialects used within the United States of America. British English is the form of English used in the United Kingdom. It includes all English dialects used within the United Kingdom. Differences between American and British English include pronunciation, grammar, vocabulary (lexis), spelling, punctuation, idioms, and formatting of dates and numbers.

Comparison chart

American English versus British English comparison chart
Edit this comparison chart American English British English
Pronunciation differences Some words pronounced differently in the languages are Methane, Interpol Some words pronounced differently in the languages are Methane, Interpol
Spelling differences flavor, honor, analyze,color etc. flavour, honour, analyse,colour etc.
Title differences Mr. , Mrs. Mr, Mrs
Different meanings ace, amber etc. ace, amber etc.
What is it? American English is the form of English used in the United States. It includes all English dialects used within the United States of America. British English is the form of English used in the United Kingdom. It includes all English dialects used within the United Kingdom. It is also used in Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and other Commonwealth regions

History of British vs. American English

The English language was introduced to America through British colonization in the early 17th century. It also spread to many other parts of the world because of the strength of the British empire. Over the years, English spoken in the United States and in Britain started diverging from each other in various aspects. This led to a new dialects in the form of American English.

American vs. British accent

Prior to the Revolutionary War and American independence from the British in 1776, American and British accents were similar. Both were rhotic i.e. speakers pronounced the letter R in hard. Since 1776, the accents diverged but English accent in America has changed less drastically than accents in Britain.

Towards the end of the 18th century, non-rhotic speech took off in southern England, especially among the upper class; this “prestige” non-rhotic speech was standardized, and has been spreading in Britain ever since.

Most American accents, however, remained rhotic.

There are a few fascinating exceptions: New York and New England accents became non-rhotic, perhaps because of the region’s British connections. Irish and Scottish accents, however, remained rhotic.

To be fair, both American and British English have several types of accents and there is no one true American or British accent.

Noah Webster and the Blue-Backed Speller

Even after America gained independence, American schools used textbooks imported from England. Noah Webster, an American lexicographer, nationalist and prolific political writer, found them unsatisfactory. He disliked the influence and control of British aristocracy over the English language and its pedantic rules for spelling and pronunciation.

So in the 1780s Webster wrote and published A Grammatical Institute of the English Language a compendium that consisted of a speller (published in 1783), a grammar (published in 1784), and a reader (published in 1785). The speller became very popular and over time, Webster changed the spellings in the book to be more phonetic (e.g. color instead of colour; defense instead of defence). Webster’s changes greatly influenced American English because his grammar books were so popular and used in schools throughout the country.

This influence was further solidified by Webster’s dictionaries, first published in 1806. Noah Webster was a spelling reformer who believed that the spelling of words should match their pronunciation as much as possible.

Differences in use of tenses

In British English the present perfect is used to express an action that has occurred in the recent past that has an effect on the present moment. For example: I’ve misplaced my pen. Can you help me find it? In American English, the use of the past tense is also permissible:I misplaced my pen. Can you help me find it? In British English, however, using the past tense in this example would be considered incorrect.

Other differences involving the use of the present perfect in British English and simple past in American English include the words already, just and yet.

British English: I’ve just had food. Have you finished your homework yet? American English: I just had food. OR I’ve just had food.
I’ve already seen that film. OR I already saw that film.

Differences in Vocabulary

While some words may mean something in British English, the same word might be something else in American english and vice versa. For example, Athlete in British English is one who participates in track and field events whereas Athlete in American English is one who participates in sports in general.

Rubber in British English: tool to erase pencil markings.
Rubber in American English: condom.

There are also some words like AC, Airplane, bro, catsup, cell phone etc. which are common in American English and not used very often in British English. Some words widely used in British English and seldom in American English are advert, anti clockwise, barrister, cat’s eye.

Differences in Spelling

There are many words that are spelt differently in both forms of English. Some examples are:

American English spelling British English spelling
color colour
fulfill fulfil
center centre
analyze analyse
aging ageing
dialog dialogue
anesthesia, anaesthesia

A majority of the spelling differences between American and British English fall into the following categories:

  • Latin-derived spellings
    • our (British) and –or (American). e.g. colour vs color
    • re (British) and –er (American). e.g. centre vs center
    • ce (British) and –se (American). e.g. defence vs defense
  • Greek-derived spellings
    • ise (British) and –ize (American). e.g. centralise vs centralize
    • yse (British) and –yze (American). e.g. analyse vs analyze
    • ogue (British) and –og (American). e.g. dialogue vs dialog
    • Simplification of ae and oe in American English. e.g. gynaecology vs gynecology

Differences in the use of Prepositions

There are also a few differences between British and American English in the use of prepositions. For example: While the British would play in a team, Americans would play on a team. Another example: While the British would go out at the weekend, Americans would go out on the weekend.

Differences in Verb usage

American and British English may also use a base verb in different manners. For example: For the verb ” to dream”, Americans would use the past tense dreamed while the British would use dreamt in past tense. The same applies to “learned” and “learnt”. Another example of differing past tense spellings for verbs in American and British English is “forecast”. Americans use forecast while the British would say forecasted in simple past tense.

Differences in Pronunciation

Some words that are pronounced differently in American vs British English are controversy, leisure, schedule etc. There are also some words like Ax (Axe in British) and Defense (Defence in British) which have the same pronunciation but different spellings in both languages.

Time telling in British vs American English

Both languages have a slightly different structure of telling the time. While the British would say quarter past ten to denote 10:15, it is not uncommon in America to say quarter after or even a quarter after ten.

Thirty minutes after the hour is commonly called half past in both languages. Americans always write digital times with a colon, thus 6:00, whereas Britons often use a point, 6.00.

Differences in Punctuation

While the British would write Mr, Mrs, Dr, the Americans would write Mr., Mrs., Dr.

Video explaining the differences

Here’s a funny musical video that outlines the differences in some English and British English language words.

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References

American versus British English

Six Differences Between British and American English


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For VOA Learning English, this is Everyday Grammar.

There is an old saying that America and Britain are “two nations divided by a common language.”

No one knows exactly who said this, but it reflects the way many Brits feel about American English. My British friend still tells me, “You don’t speak English. You speak American.”

But are American and British English really so different?

Vocabulary

The most noticeable difference between American and British English is vocabulary. There are hundreds of everyday words that are different. For example, Brits call the front of a car the bonnet, while Americans call it the hood.

Americans go on vacation, while Brits go on holidays, or hols.

New Yorkers live in apartments; Londoners live in flats.

There are far more examples than we can talk about here. Fortunately, most Americans and Brits can usually guess the meaning through the context of a sentence.

Collective Nouns

There are a few grammatical differences between the two varieties of English. Let’s start with collective nouns. We use collective nouns to refer to a group of individuals.

In American English, collective nouns are singular. For example, staff refers to a group of employees; band refers to a group of musicians; team refers to a group of athletes. Americans would say, “The band is good.”

But in British English, collective nouns can be singular or plural. You might hear someone from Britain say, “The team are playing tonight” or “The team is playing tonight.”

Auxiliary verbs

Another grammar difference between American and British English relates to auxiliary verbs. Auxiliary verbs, also known as helping verbs, are verbs that help form a grammatical function. They “help” the main verb by adding information about time, modality and voice.

Let’s look at the auxiliary verb shall. Brits sometimes use shall to express the future.

For example, “I shall go home now.” Americans know what shall means, but rarely use it in conversation. It seems very formal. Americans would probably use I will go home now.”

In question form, a Brit might say, “Shall we go now?” while an American would probably say, “Should we go now?”

When Americans want to express a lack of obligation, they use the helping verb do with negative not followed by need. “You do not need to come to work today.” Brits drop the helping verb and contract not. “You needn’t come to work today.”

Past Tense Verbs

You will also find some small differences with past forms of irregular verbs.

The past tense of learn in American English is learned. British English has the option of learned or learnt. The same rule applies to dreamed and dreamt, burned and burnt, leaned and leant.

Americans tend to use the –ed ending; Brits tend to use the -t ending.

In the past participle form, Americans tend to use the –en ending for some irregular verbs. For example, an American might say, “I have never gotten caught” whereas a Brit would say, “I have never got caught.” Americans use both got and gotten in the past participle. Brits only use got.

Don’t worry too much about these small differences in the past forms of irregular verbs. People in both countries can easily understand both ways, although Brits tend to think of the American way as incorrect.

Tag Questions

A tag question is a grammatical form that turns a statement into a question. For example, “The whole situation is unfortunate, isn’t it?” or, “You don’t like him, do you?”

The tag includes a pronoun and its matching form of the verb be, have or do. Tag questions encourage people to respond and agree with the speaker. Americans use tag questions, too, but less often than Brits. You can learn more about tag questions on a previous episode of Everyday Grammar.

Spelling

There are hundreds of minor spelling differences between British and American English. You can thank American lexicographer Noah Webster for this. You might recognize Webster’s name from the dictionary that carries his name.

Noah Webster, an author, politician, and teacher, started an effort to reform English spelling in the late 1700s.

He was frustrated by the inconsistencies in English spelling. Webster wanted to spell words the way they sounded. Spelling reform was also a way for America to show its independence from England.

You can see Webster’s legacy in the American spelling of words like color (from colour), honor (from honour), and labor (from labour). Webster dropped the letter u from these words to make the spelling match the pronunciation.

Other Webster ideas failed, like a proposal to spell women as wimmen. Since Webster’s death in 1843, attempts to change spelling rules in American English have gone nowhere.

Not so different after all

British and American English have far more similarities than differences. We think the difference between American and British English is often exaggerated. If you can understand one style, you should be able to understand the other style.

With the exception of some regional dialects, most Brits and Americans can understand each other without too much difficulty. They watch each other’s TV shows, sing each other’s songs, and read each other’s books.

They even make fun of each other’s accents.

I’m Jill Robbins.

And I’m John Russell.

And I’m Claudia Milne.

Now it’s your turn. What style of English are you learning? Why did you choose it? Write to us in the comments section or on our Facebook page.

Adam Brock wrote this article for VOA Learning English. Jill Robbins and Kathleen Struck were the editors.

________________________________________________________________

Word in This Story

collective nounn. a word which refers to a collection of things taken as a whole.

auxiliary verbn. a word used in construction with and preceding certain forms of other verbs, as infinitives or participles, to express distinctions of tense, aspect, mood, etc

modalityn. expressing ability, necessity, possibility, permission or obligation.

lexicographer n. someone who writes dictionaries

inconsistency n. the quality or fact of not staying the same at different times

exaggerate v. to think of or describe something as larger or greater than it really is

6 Reasons Why My Boyfriend and I Love Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms

Jokes

Marriage Jokes
Newest Jokes

Wearing Husband Goggles

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”

Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Marriage Jokes

A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Corny Jokes, Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

Daily Life Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Marriage Jokes

When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.”

John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Valentine’s Day Jokes

Misreading the Signals

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”

Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners

Bad Things to Tell Your Wife

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Might Be The Wine Talking…

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”

Submitted by Marvin Keeler, 
Salina, Kansas

Marriage Jokes

Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

Funny Quotes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Political Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Sock it to Me

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

Submitted by Justin Ezzi, 
Wilmington, California

Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Confessions of a Military Wife

My husband is infantry, and 
he said the most wonderful things 
to convince me to marry him:

• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.

• I could have as many babies as 
I want because giving birth is free.

• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.

Mollie Gross 
(molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions 
of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.

Marriage Jokes, Military Jokes, Relationship Jokes

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Submitted by reader D. T.

Marriage Jokes, One-Liners

Forever Late

After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

Marriage Jokes

Father of The Bribe

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Two thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Five thousand!”

We eloped to Spain.

Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”

“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

“Then I’ll marry you.”

“You can’t marry me either.”

He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.

Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California

Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
More Jokes

A Familiar Patient

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that … READ MORE

A Home Affair

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an … READ MORE

Realistic Romantic Comedies

• When Harry Met Sally and 
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos

• Love Handles, Actually

• Runaway Bridal Expenses

—From humorlabs.com

Tailor-Made Quips

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m … READ MORE

What About the Other Half?

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”

—Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Why Marriage is Difficult

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

—Richard Pryor

A Culinary Adventure

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

—Henny Youngman

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

—Source: Funny in Canada Survey

Tweeter’s Digest: Just Chill

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

@TheNardvark

Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

@RobinMcCauley

Exhibit A-Cup

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

In Your Dreams

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a … READ MORE

Home Insecurity

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I … READ MORE

How I Met Your Father

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”

“Not really,” I replied.

“Did you marry him for his money?”

“Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any… READ MORE

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

Winning Numbers

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

One and Only

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”

Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said… READ MORE

Love and Learning

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”

In Training

I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

For the Mrs?

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

“Because your mother … READ MORE

The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” … READ MORE

What’s That Smell?

For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. “What’s this?” he asked.”Guess,” I said coyly.”I have no idea,” he said. “It smells like… READ MORE

Years of Romance

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and … READ MORE

Sailing vs. Shopping

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water. Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had… READ MORE

True Love

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, “Isn’t it nice to be here when… READ MORE

Usual Suspicions

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. “You’re running around with another woman— admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!” That … READ MORE

Reporting for Duty

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. “It’s not going to work for me,” he said, panicked. “Why not?” I asked. “Because I use my … READ MORE

The Birthday Present

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. “Kids,” he said over the din, “if you would … READ MORE

Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he … READ MORE

Right Answer

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner… READ MORE

Minor Procedure

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.” “Did you hear that?” she asked her husband. “No sex for three days.” “I … READ MORE

Taking Turns

Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket. Me: Paper or plastic? Customer: I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible. Me: Okay. Customer: In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, … READ MORE

Working it Out

One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose … READ MORE

Pick Me Up

I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: “You’re a great artist,” “You’re a wonderful … READ MORE

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help. “The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’” “Monogamy,” he answered.

Here To Stay

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. “You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?” he asked his friend. “Yeah,” came the reply. “My wife.”

For Richer and For Poorer

“When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”

Assumed Name

A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while. “I forgot your phone number,” he said. “You could’ve looked… READ MORE

Lightbulb

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

In Trouble

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. “Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words,” she says. “… READ MORE

Happy

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was. “Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said. “… READ MORE

Doing Something Wrong

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet. “What did you do wrong?” I said with a laugh. He mumbled back, “I got married.”

Reason for Visit

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me.”

Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I … READ MORE

Too Many Cooks

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. “Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now … READ MORE

Relative Comfort

As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: “Move.”

Waking Up

It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. “My, you’re pretty!” he said. “Have I asked you to… READ MORE

Romantic Travel

When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man. “I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man,” my father said. My mother mumbled, “I did.”

Flirting Trouble

Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm … that Vicks smells good.”

The Best Sleep

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, &… READ MORE

GPS

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends. Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions? Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override. Friend #1: What’s a GPS override? Friend #2: My … READ MORE

Relearning

Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, “Me too.&… READ MORE

Designated Driver

I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?” He replied, “I can’t drive.”

A Second Opinion Joke

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. “Things have gotten so bad,” she said, “I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think… READ MORE

Excuses

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. “Look,” I said to my wife. “What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat.” “Get it,” she said. “Then you’ll… READ MORE

The Pearly Gates

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, “she’s there.&… READ MORE

Car Nut

My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”

Enduring Love

My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon. “It’s a term of endearment,” I explained. My husband mumbled, “After more than 40 years, it’s a term of endurement.”

Once in a Lifetime

Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. “I’m renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I’ve reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town,” she said. Our teacher … READ MORE

Subject to Approval

An item on craigslist: “Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she’s home, $100.”

Proper Lighting

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.” I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights.”

Squeaky Wheel

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it… READ MORE

Marriage and Weight

How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.

Marriage Secrets

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, “We never go to sleep angry.” “That’s a great philosophy,” I noted. “Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.”

Second Marriage

‘If I were to die first, would you remarry?” the wife asks. “Well,” says the husband, “I’m in good health, so why not?” “Would she live in my house?” “It’s all paid up, so yes.” “Would … READ MORE

Review and Repeat

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. “Allow me to clarify,” he said in response. “I review. You repeat.”

It’s All Relative

En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. “Relatives?” he asked my mother. Not taking the bait, she responded, “Yeah, through marriage.”

Smart Pills

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive “brain-stimulating” pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. “This is just rosemary extract,” I complained to my husband. “I … READ MORE

Final Farewell

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, … READ MORE

Lost the Keys

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall. “Don’t bother—that was my bed,&quot… READ MORE

Fresh Flowers

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.”What’s the point?” my husband said. &… READ MORE

Rear Window Love

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and … READ MORE

Hypothetical Hollywood

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.”Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.I thought about… READ MORE

Can of Peaches

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. “Your Honor, I stole a … READ MORE

Problem Solver

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. “That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ &… READ MORE

Say It With Flowers

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.”For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?&quot… READ MORE

Wedlock Wonder

Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:”When people marry more … READ MORE

Business Trip

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We … READ MORE

Last Minute Gift

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair. When I asked him if he … READ MORE

Room For Two

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, “Is this for a special occasion?” “Yes,” I replied. “… READ MORE

Missing the Groom

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to … READ MORE

Wrong Date

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, “This way I can’t forget the date.” A few hours later, I … READ MORE

Different Meanings

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant’s desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, … READ MORE

Uninvited

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. “I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D,” the first con says to the other. “The warden’s mighty upset about it too.””Why?” asks the … READ MORE

Conspiracy Theory

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine… READ MORE

Dog Helper

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my … READ MORE

Getting Rid of Something

The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too. “What does he need me for?” he asked. “He appears … READ MORE

Love Days

Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication. She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the… READ MORE

Running Errands

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene. “I have to go,&quot… READ MORE

Always Right

My granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”I said, “The… READ MORE

Asking for Assistance

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, “This doesn’t feel… READ MORE

Beautiful Sight

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively. “Yeah,” she said. “You doing housework.”

Cheater

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, “Before I die, I have something to confess to you.” “Shh, not now,” she replies.”But I need to tell you: I cheated on you,” he … READ MORE

Clueless

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?””That’s up to you,” I replied. “… READ MORE

Criminal Thinking

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. “That’s a long time,” I observed.”A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something just occurred to me.&… READ MORE

Divorce Settlement

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. “Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired. “No,” I replied.&… READ MORE

Eating Issues

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then … READ MORE

Exercise Route

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how … READ MORE

Fat Jump

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style. Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat … READ MORE

From Two Different Worlds

In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.Afterward… READ MORE

Hearing Problems

I think my wife’s going deaf,” Joe told their doctor. “Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment,” the doctor said. So that evening, when his wife was … READ MORE

Just Say No

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. “She would say that,” Jeff interjected. “She’s not the type to say… READ MORE

Knocked Out

I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. “I wish we could trade places,” I said, knowing how much he dreaded the coming ordeal. He watched as I gathered our newborn … READ MORE

Large Servings

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and … READ MORE

Last One Out

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed … READ MORE

Literally Speaking

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?””It depends,” I replied. “What… READ MORE

Mapping it Out

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. “Honey,” my husband joked when I told him, “after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need … READ MORE

Mysterious Hotel Guest

A Connecticut chap, an incorrigible practical joker, often makes his long-suffering wife the butt of his painful pranks. But last fall she finally got her chance to even the score. The couple were spending the weekend in a New York hotel. … READ MORE

One Loud Trip

Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed aboard the noisy contraption in our bedroom, where my husband was reading a book. After… READ MORE

One Stop Cleanup

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.When I popped in one evening to … READ MORE

Opposite in Nature

My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites … READ MORE

Other Commitments

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. “Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week,” I said. “Absolutely,” my husband agreed, “three times as a … READ MORE

Paying For It

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. “Have you ever paid for sex?” the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.… READ MORE

Pregnant Swap

I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband. One day I told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!” He … READ MORE

Separation

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. “Sweetie,” the woman replied. “I just spent ten days… READ MORE

Sink or Swim

While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. “It was my wife’s idea,” I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. “She’s buying it for me as a … READ MORE

Surgery fix

A hairdressing client of mine told me of her husband’s recovery after having double bypass heart surgery. She had recounted the doctor’s orders to her husband, saying, “In six weeks you’ll be able to walk up two flights of stairs, lift… READ MORE

Switching Roles

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they’re together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.&… READ MORE

Switching Sizes

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

Tapping Communication

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.One tap meant “Give me a kiss.” Two taps meant “No.” Three taps meant “Yes… READ MORE

The Missing Shoe

One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous … READ MORE

The Right Marriage

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you,” she pointed out. “Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I … READ MORE

Third Times a Charm

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few … READ MORE

Throwing Your Money Away

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and … READ MORE

Til’ Death Do Us Part

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.”Why don’t you ever wear your ring?” I asked. “It cuts off my circulation,” Paul replied.”I know,” I said. “It’s supposed to.&… READ MORE

True Colors

As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. “What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?” I asked. Giving me a casual glance, she replied… READ MORE

Unattractive Undergarments

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones… READ MORE

Unused Equipment

Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.”Your bicycle has been … READ MORE

Worry Wart

After ten years of widowhood, I remarried. Leaving work one wintry evening, I told a colleague that it was very gratifying to once again have someone worry about me if the roads were icy. My new husband would be awaiting my arrival, I said… READ MORE

Dark Shadow

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. “I don’t know what you’ve … READ MORE

Expensive Love

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.”With this ring…” I began romantically… READ MORE

Expensive Present

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift. That evening as we were watching television, the … READ MORE

Getting the Blues

My sister went shopping for blue jeans with her husband, Steve. She chose a few pairs to try on and went into the fitting room, while Steve waited outside. A minute later he heard her crying softly. Concerned, Steve said through the door, &… READ MORE

Giving In

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, “My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself.”His friend nodded. “I like … READ MORE

Matched Up

When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet. Caught up in the romance of the … READ MORE

No Going Back

My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk’s office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information—names, dates of birth, etc.— the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, “No refunds, no exchanges, … READ MORE

One Big Mess

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. “I guess it was in our stars,” he sighed. “What do you mean?” I asked.”Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. … READ MORE

Painful Love

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee. “Are you serious?” I asked, laughing.”Of course I’m … READ MORE

Rough Times

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.”How long have you been married?” I asked.”Ten years,” she replied.

Silent Treatment

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. “Oh,” I said, “now you’re speaking to me.”He looked confused. ‘… READ MORE

Stock Talk

I realized that the ups and downs of the stock market had become too big a part of our life one night as my husband and I prepared for bed. As we slid beneath the covers, I snuggled up to him and told him I loved him.Drifting off to sleep, … READ MORE

Surprising Birthday Present

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. “Father’s date of birth?” she asked. When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his… READ MORE

The Mysterious Sender

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. “No card is necessary,” he instructed us. “She’ll know who sent them.”The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone … READ MORE

Tailgating Tattletale

My wife and I get along just great—except she’s a back-seat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, my cell phone rang as I merged onto a freeway bypass. It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass right … READ MORE

Hot Off the Press

As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, “Can you believe the … READ MORE

Farm and Family

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: &… READ MORE

Sleepless in Suburbia

Different rules apply between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., I find. Things that would ordinarily not even qualify as mildly amusing will often, at 3 a.m., strike the ear as high comedy.

Senior Citizens Jokes

Clean Funny Senior Citizen Jokes

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes

Clean funny senior citizen jokes for senior folks who can take a joke and make a joke. Help yourself to these free clean jokes for a funny inner workout.

“The Old Days”

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”

The little boy was amazed, and sat silently for a minute. Finally he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”

Free Clean Jokes:
“Three Senior Pals”

Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Hearing Better Now”

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Hospital Regulations”

Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.

One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.

When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.

But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.

In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

12

12

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Write It Down”

A couple in their nineties are both having some short term memory loss.

While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Later that evening they’re sitting and reading, when the husband gets up.

“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.

“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.

“Okay.”

“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”

“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”

“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”

“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”

A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”

He waddles out to the the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.

She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“The Game”

On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats.

The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.

But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.

“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”

The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.

The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”

The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.

He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.

Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.

The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.

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Ishq in Paris

IshqinParis EiffelTower PZIshkq in Paris delayed due to Director’s health issues: Preity Zinta

April 30, 2013

Bollywood actress Preity Zinta’s production

“Ishkq in Paris” is finally releasing May 24. She says the film’s release was delayed because of director Prem Raj’s health.

She said that besides this, there was nothing else that caused a delay in the release of the movie, which was earlier to release in 2012.

“Prem was very sick. He had to go for a surgery. I decided not to release the film without him. He is not just my director, but also a good friend,” Preity said at a press conference here Tuesday.

“In life, sometimes you don’t make commercial decisions, but make human decisions,” she added.

Preity admitted the delay affected her financially.

“But I could afford it,” she said. “I don’t believe that business should be done ruthlessly.”

Reacting to rumours that the film didn’t have buyers, Preity said: “I will be producing again. I want to do bigger and better things. I hear these rumours from one ear and remove them from the other. I can only hit back by making sure that I do good work.”

“Ishkq In Paris” is getting a solo release, and Preity couldn’t be happier.

“Every producer wants a solo release. You have to plan all this as a producer,” she said, adding that she has big plans to promote the film well.

However, she isn’t sure if superstar Salman Khan, who is a part of a song in the film, will be involved in the publicity.

“We will do city tours and innovative things. Salman is in the film, but is not the main character. It is unfair to let people think this,” she said.

The film also stars Rhehan Malliek and Isabelle Adjani.

 

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INDIAN WEDDING DIARIES FROM THE DEV BHOOMI – TRADITIONAL KUMAONI WEDDING.

The Holy Union

Uttrakhand is called dev bhoomi for a reason. The reason is the spirituality and reverence to gods that its inhabitants consider as their utmost priority. The snow clad Himalayas, the serene breeze, the green lustrous pastures and the simplicity of its people, all contribute towards the divine image that this state boasts of.

Weddings in north India happen more or less on the same grounds but it is in Uttrakhand that you can actually get a peep into a traditional pathway of marital celebration dipped in cultures and rituals which is followed in full vigor.

The state is populated by two major ethnic communities, Garhwalis and Kumaonis. Kumaon’s administrative districts are Almora, Bageshwar,Champawat, Nainital, Pithoragarh, and Udham Singh Nagar. Garhwal region lies to its west, while Tibet crowns it in the north and Uttar Pradesh embraces it in the south. Let us begin our journey into exploring how a traditional Kumaoni wedding takes place.

Ganesh Puja

A Kumaoni wedding is a sight to behold with its festival-like celebrations spread over a course of 3-4 days. The commencement of wedding ceremony begins with ‘Ganesh Puja’ whereby the family of both the bride and groom request the deities to remove any obstacles that may arise and interrupt the smooth functioning of the marital procedure.

Giving prime importance to the deities, a temple area is set within the houses of the bride and groom respectively and homages are paid to the Kuldevtas or Isht devtas (family gods) to come bless the families and protect them from any impending dooms.

This is followed by tying three small yellow colored cloth pieces which contain raw turmeric, roli or sindoor (red vermillion poweder), supari (beetle), akshat (soaked rice) and coins at the entrance, in the kitchen, the third is tied to the wok/pan which is to be used for making various dishes for the marriage.

Thereafter, the idols of the father-in-law and mother-in-law are prepared using til, rice flour and jiggery. They are adored with accessories and exchanged on the day of marriage.

Suwal Pathayi

This ritual forms an integral part of a Kumaoni wedding. Here, all the ladies of the house gather and knead the wheat flour into a dough which is rolled into thin rotis (papads) and dried in the sun after dipping them in dry flour. A ganesh sculpture is also made from the kneaded dough. These are then fried and offered to the gods and guests.

These papads are called suwals. In earlier times, Suwals used to go along with the bride to her husband’s place since she had to travel long distances. The ladies gather in the verandah to make suwals with the married women wearing the traditional‘rangwali ka pichaura’ and nath (nosering) and everyone sings songs praising the gods and the bride beating the dholki (drum).

Rangwali ka Pichaura

Rangwali pichaura is worn by married Kumaoni women on all auscipious occasions and is symbolic of marital bliss. It is a kind of dupatta with a saffron colour background and designs made in red colour – majorly red polka dots. The Pichaura is traditionally hand-made and is dyed with vegetable colors after which it is printed by hand. This traditional dupatta is giving to women at the time of marriage.

The Pichaura is draped over the sari and has saffron base which is embellished with red polka dots that are concentrated near the ‘swastika’ which is artistically made by using traditional motifs like the moon, bells, sun and conch shells. The borders of the Pichaura are adorned with paisley or floral patterns and these days, a lot of additional embellishments like zari work, trimmings, beads, sequins and various ornamentations are also done to the Pichaura to make it look like an exclusive garment.

INDIAN KUMAONI WEDDING – FROM TRADITIONAL BATH TO WELCOMING OF BARAAT.

A wedding in the hills is a pious affair

We are back with the traditional Kumaoni rituals which make the overall experience of witnessing the marriage ceremony in the hills a treat to watch. So after the ‘suval pathai’ ritual where the offering is prepared by the ladies of house for religious deities and guests along with the making of ‘Rangawali Pichaura’-Purwang and Mahila Sangeet follows.

Purwang

Purwang is also called ‘Mangal Sanan’ at some places. This is a ritual that takes place in the morning of the wedding day. The bride’s parents fast until the puja is complete.

A holy mixture of ubtan is prepared which is a mixture of aata, turmeric, chandan, brown mustard seed, other herbs and oil. All the ladies of the house apply this mixture on the bride and groom’s body turn by turn in their respective houses. While two ladies hold the rangawali pichaura over the bride’s head which has some pious offerings tied inside. After the application of ubtan, the bride and groom take bath.

The bride then wears a yellow saree preferably while the groom wears a dhoti-kurta and dons the janeu with a Nehru cap. They sit at their homes for the pooja where they seek for the blessings from the family deity. The bride’s father then ties a piece of yellow/pink cloth on the bride’s wrist which is called Kankan to ward off the evil eye and it is also tied on the right wrist of the bride’s mother.

The procedure is repeated for the groom as well. The piece of cloth contains a beetle nut, a piece of turmeric, whole rice, coins androli/sindoor. Kankan is supposed to be opened on the fourth day of marriage.

Barat Prasthan

The groom’s side prepares to leave for the marriage venue. He wears a suit or kurta pyjama with a long head gear called sehra. The sister in law applies kohl in the eyes of the groom to ward off evil eye. As the baraat proceeds, the groom’s mother stands on the door and reminds him of the sacrifices she has made in order to raise him. He then gives her a token amount which a symbol of his acknowledgement of her sacrifices towards him.

Teeka

While the baraat is still preparing to enter the marriage venue dancing in cheering, the senior male members of the groom’s family visit the venue and shower the bride with gifts. She is given a ring as a symbol of their acceptance of her in their family and a teeka (vermilion mark) is applied on her forehead to complete the ritual. The bride then waits for the groom’s side to come and settle at the venue.

Dulhiagrah

Duliagrah is welcoming the baraat. The bride’s sisters stand on the entrance, with one of them holding a kalash over her head. The married ones wear the rangwali pichaura with the traditional Kumaoni goldnath. The bride’s brother then receives the groom by holding an umbrella over his head and escorts him to the entry gate.

The bride’s sisters welcome the groom by doing an aarti and then demand a token amount or shagun as their right. The groom enters the venue after fulfilling the obligations and the bride’s father washes his feet because he is considered as an embodiment of lord Vishnu. The groom then receives gifts from the bride’s side and is taken to the centre stage where the varmaala(exchange of garlands) will take place.

Courtesy: Woman’s Era

Indian Wedding Diaries – THE UNION OF SHIV AND PARVATI.

Weddings in Kumaon are no less than witnessing the holy unison of gods. The guests at the wedding treat the bride and groom with nearly God – like reverence. A beautiful tapestry of legends, rituals, traditional Kumaoni songs, weave the wedding ceremonies in the hills that are simplistic yet enchanting.

Gotrachar

After the varmaala ceremony, the couple heads towards the Mandap where they are in the front of each other with the holy fire in between. The priests from both the groom and bride’s side introduce the families to each other, announcing the name of their gotras (name of the family clan) and ancestral villages name. The ceremony is called gotrachar (introducing the family lineage) This is followed by a pooja ceremony during which ladies from both the sides sing songs praising the bride and groom with the occasional exchange of friendly banters from both the sides.

Kanyadaan

After the ceremonious rituals are complete, the bride’s side prepare for Kanyadaan as they change the bride’s jewelry and cover her with rangawali pichaura signifying that the bride is ready to go to her new family as a married woman. The Kanyadaan ceremony involves the bride’s parents to fast and give away their daughter.

The bride’s mother stands behind her and pours a steady stream of water on to a plate which is placed in front of the bride. The groom in the meanwhile holds the bride’s thumb while the water stream is poured. It is believed that the holding of thumb signifies Lord Shiva’s union with his wife Parvati.

Pheras

After the Kanyadaan is complete, the bride changes her side and sits right next to the groom. The formal marriage rituals then begin with the groom tying mangalsutra around the bride’s neck and applying sindoor over her forehead. After the vedic chants, the couple stands up for the pheras.

The bride’s side who had kept the fast for her kanyadaan along with her parents move away from the venue. They are not supposed to witness the pheras. The bride then holds the “soop” and collects some rice from her brother. She walks in front of the groom, throwing the rice from the soop and takes rounds around the holy fire. The groom affectionately holds the bride’s arms as she moves.

The couple recites seven chants and listens to the significance of the seven pheras after which the marital rituals are complete. The couple heads towards the place where the vidaayi ceremony will take place and the bride’s aunts pass the kalash of holy water in rounds for the couple to ward off the evil eye and worship them as an embodiment of Vishnu-Lakshmi.

Vidaayi

Traditionally, the bride’s brother used to carry her in his arms towards the palanquin where the family members bid her farewell. With changing times, the brother walks with her sister towards the car which is supposed to take her to her in-laws house. The ceremony still stirs deep felt emotions and leaves an indelible impact on everyone.

After the bride reaches her in-law’s house, she puts her hand imprints covered in haldi on the entrance door. After which all the ladies gather and celebrate the homecoming of the bride with songs and dancing.

The marital affair in Kumaon has a deep religious  and musical fervor. Everyone gets involved in the religious ceremonies and celebrates the 3-4 day affair with zeal.

SPARKLE YOUR WAY WITH RAJASTHANI TRADITIONAL JEWELLERY.

Rajasthani jewelry – a sneak peek into their lavish jewelry pieces.

RAJASTHANI TRADITIONAL JEWELLERY

So how do you project your ancestral royalty? A Rajasthani bride would do it for you. She becomes the epitome of grace and elegance adorning traditions from head to toe. To define opulence, look at either the Rajasthani Marwari bride or the Rajput bride. The jewelry comprises of Kundan, thewa or meena kari works and has precious stones studded to add a spark.

Kundan is the defining style of the Rajasthani jewelry. While the Meenakaari style is also doing the rounds and winning the hearts of ladies since time immemorial. Known to be extremely vibrant in terms of the color splashes and splendid, the style of jewellery making has been in spotlight since a long time.

The style is carved on gold and silver pieces with precious and semi-precious stones studded on to it. The color play along with the intricacies of the patterns is enough to grab the crowd’s gaze and that is how a Rajasthani bride steals the show.

Thewa, is specifically a Marwari jewelry designing technique which is renowned all over the world. It is a well-crafted age old tradition of designing jewelry by experimenting with the style according to the new age demand. The piece is created with zari, beads and lac and is extremely famous among the women folk till date.

Jewelry Embellishments worn by the Rajput and Marwari brides:

Rakhdi– The bell like accessory, adorning the forehead of the bride attached to a Sheeshpal which complements the head gear and forms a beautiful frame is one of the traditional jewelry of Rajasthan which the bride wears. Marwari brides alternatively call this adornment as maang tika.

Kundan Bhutti – These are a long and thick pair of earrings made of Kundan and almost kiss the neck of the bride. The enamel work exemplified by precious stones is said to have a healing touch.

Raani Haar and Choker – To glamorize the sleek neck of the bride, precious stones studded choker is worn which multiplies the beauty of the bride. The elaborate version of the necklace which reaches down to the navel is called the Raani Haar or Timaniyaan. It is the epitome of royalty and is fashioned in gold along with uncut diamonds which makes it one its kind.

Nathni – The Rajasthani bridal jewelry is incomplete without a nathni which is made of a gold ring and may have a few beads to make it look really classy.

Bajuband and Chooda – Worn by Rajput and Marwari brides alike, a bajuband is meant to worn on the upper arm and is crafted in beautiful patterns made on gold. The chooda is a set of bangles made of gold or ivory and is essentially a symbol of marital bliss in the entire country and these are completed by delicate yet beautiful pahunchis and hathphulis which complement the mehndi designs and glorify the fingers of the bride.

Kamar bandh and Bichhuye – The Rajasthani bridal trousseau also has a special place for Kamar bandh to adorn the waist of the bride and give it a defining angle along with bichhuye which is worn on the fingers of the toes to mark the beginning of marital unison.

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