Making Heaven out of Hell

When you are disconnected with God and believe you are not worthy of universal love you are to send yourself to hell. People who commit crimes and do bad deeds are said to go to hell. God loves you, no matter how you distinguish yourself while incarnated. Yes, no matter what crime you commit or bad deed you do, and go through life, you are still loved by God. You are in  heaven when you realize the existence of God and presence of God in your life. No matter what kind of human being you are. If you are known to acknowledge that you were born on the Earth for a reason and known reason is to serve people and God you  will reach a level of heaven.

Therefore, heaven is only in the mind. We can be in heaven any place we are in the world. It is only the presence that we put are emotions and minds. When  we are mentally happy and satisfied with where we are we, we are in a conscious era called “heaven.” When we are dissatisfied with where we are, we are in a conscious era called “hell.” Just the same goes for when we do good deeds in life God rewards us with his blessings and love. We get love from are family and the ones around us such as are close friends. When a person commits bad deeds he gets punished and may be put in jail and as God calls it goes to “hell.” You choose the path you want in life, just like we choose who we want to follow the “angel”  which is the positive heavenly good path of life or the “devil” which is the “evil” hatred path of life. It is all a mind game. It is up to us to decide. We have to ask ourselves. Do we want to live as angels in heaven or as devils in hell?

BY: Vanita Lalwani

World’s happiest person

A 69-year-old monk who scientists call the ‘world’s happiest man’ says the secret to being happy takes just 15 minutes per day

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I believe that there is a strong connection between the science of happiness and mindfulness meditation exercises. Matthieu Ricard teaches us that learning to meditate may be the first step to understand psychology of happiness.

Let’s take a look at what meditation is, why it’s a good thing (whether you’re spiritual or not), how to get started meditation, and what is happiness psychology.

happiest man

Matthieu Ricard, the world’s happiest man

How to be happy? Who is the happiest man in the world? How to properly meditate like him?

Matthieu Ricard, 69, is a Tibetan Buddhist monk who has been called “the world’s happiest man.”

That’s because he participated in a 12-year brain study on meditating and compassion led by a neuroscientist from the University of Wisconsin, Richard Davidson. Davidson hooked up Ricard’s head to 256 sensors and found that when Ricard was meditating on compassion, his mind was unusually light.

Simple Capacity details the findings:

“The scans showed that when meditating on compassion, Ricard’s brain produces a level of gamma waves — those linked to consciousness, attention, learning and memory — ‘never reported before in the neuroscience literature’, Davidson said.The scans also showed excessive activity in his brain’s left prefrontal cortex compared to its right counterpart, allowing him an abnormally large capacity for happiness and a reduced propensity towards negativity.”

Ricard — who says he sometimes meditates for entire days without getting bored — admits he’s a generally happy person (although he feels his “happiest man” title is a media-driven overstatement). He spoke with Business Insider at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. Here’s his advice for how to be happy.

Stop thinking “me, me, me”

To Ricard, the answer comes down to altruism. The reason is because thinking about yourself, and how to make things better for yourself all the time, is exhausting, stressful, and ultimately leads to unhappiness.

“It’s not the moral ground,” Ricard explained. “It’s simply that me, me, me all day long is very stuffy. And it’s quite miserable, because you instrumentalize the whole world as a threat, or as a potential sort of interest [to yourself].”

If you want to be happy, Ricard says you should strive to be “benevolent” which will not only make you feel better, but it will also make others like you better.

(That’s not to say you should let other people take advantage of you, Ricard warns, but you should generally strive to be kind within reason.)

“If your mind is filled with benevolence, you know — the passion and solidarity … this is a very healthy state of mind that is conducive to flourishing,” Ricard says. “So you, yourself, are in a much better mental state. Your body will be healthier, so [it] has been shown. And also, people will perceive it as something nice.”

That all sounds great in theory, but how does a person actually become altruistic and benevolent and not let selfish thoughts creep in?

Start training your mind like you’d train to run a marathon

Ricard believes everyone has the ability to have a lighter mind because there’s a potential for goodness in every human being (unless you’re, say, a serial killer, and there’s something actually chemically abnormal going on with your brain).

But like a marathon runner who needs to train before he or she can run 26 miles, people who want to be happier need to train their minds. Ricard’s preferred way of training his is meditating.

“With mental training, we can always bring [our level of happiness] to a different level,” Ricard explains. “It’s like running. If I train, I might run a marathon. I might not become an Olympic champion, but there is a huge difference between training and not training. So why should that not apply to the mind?… There is [a] view that benevolence, attention, emotional balance and resilience are skills that can be trained. So if you put them all together, you could say that happiness is a skill that can be trained.”

OK, so how does one train their mind to be happier?

Just spend 15 continuous minutes per day thinking happy thoughts

Start by thinking happy thoughts for 10 to 15 minutes per day, Ricard says. Typically when we experience feelings of happiness and love, it’s fleeting and then something else happens, and we move on to the next thought. But Ricard says instead, concentrate on not letting your mind get distracted and keep focused on the positive emotions for the next stretch of time. And if you do that training every day, even just 2 weeks later you can feel positive mental results. And if you practice that for fifty years like Ricard has, you can become a happiness pro too.

That’s backed up by neuroscientists by the way. Davidson found from his study that even 20 minutes of daily meditation can make people much happier overall.

If you haven’t done much meditating, it might seem like a bit of a grey area to you — something you want to do but don’t know much about.

Maybe you wonder how to meditate properly or what are meditation techniques for beginners? To answer to the question ‘how to meditate for beginners?’, I shared this guided meditation series:

SHARE THE HAPPINESS

How to lose weight

Healthy weight loss tips

* Take one pound at a time
Don’t get overwhelmed by how much weight you need to lose. Try to remember that “losing 15 pounds in two weeks” is nothing to celebrate. It is important to realize that the more quickly weight is lost, the more likely the loss is coming from water and muscle, not fat.

Since muscle tissue is critical in keeping our metabolism elevated, losing it actually leads to a decrease in the amount of calories we can each day without gaining weight.

Fat loss is best achieved when weight is lost slowly. Strive for a weight loss of no more than 3-4 pounds per week. One pound of weight is equivalent to 3500 calories.

* Set Reachable Goals
For instance, if you know you need to get more exercise, begin with a manageable goal of, say, walking 10 minutes a day that you know you can achieve. Then build your self-esteem by achieving the small goals you set yourself.

The same logic applies for losing weight.

* Stay off the scales
Don’t get discouraged when your progress seems to be slow according to your bathroom scales. They do not provide a true measure of what is going on with the body.

If exercise levels are adequate (5-7 days a week), you may be putting on muscle but losing fat, thus losing inches even if you are not losing pounds. It’s always a good idea to do several body measurements to have a second objective way to monitor progress.

* Stay focused on being healthy, not thin
# Many people become more successful at long term weight loss when their motive changes from wanting to be thinner to wanting to be healthier. Change your mindset to think about selecting foods that will help your body’s health rather than worrying about foods that will affect your body’s weight. The Food Pyramid offers a basic outline of the types and amounts of food you should eat each day to give your body the nutrients it needs for optimal health.

* Fat Free?
We’ve known for some time that limiting high fat foods in the diet can be helpful with weight loss. That’s because fats pack in 9 calories per gram compared to only 4 calories per gram from proteins or carbohydrates. To many, the message to limit fats implied an endorsement to eat unlimited amounts of fat-free products. Just to clarify, fat-free foods have calories too. In some cases fat-free foods have as many calories as their fat laden counterparts. If you eat more calories than your body uses, you will gain weight. Eating less fat will help you to lose weight. Eating less fat and replacing it with excessive amounts of fat-free products will not.

* Drink plenty of water
Drink eight glasses a day. Water is a natural appetite-suppressant. Nettle tea is a great weight-loss tea as it supports metabolism and has diuretic properties.

* Reward yourself
# Each time you reach a goal, such as losing 5 pounds, reward yourself with a gift or a massage.

* Seek help if you need it
# A big key in long term weight control comes from receiving encouragement and support from others. Find a friend to lose weight with or you can check to see if groups such as Weight Watchers, or eDiets offer programs and resources in your area by clicking the links. You may also wish to check with your local hospital to see if their registered dietician conducts group weight loss programs.

* Watch your portions
With the advent of “supersize” meals and increasingly huge portions at restaurants, our concept of normal serving sizes is a distant memory. Be mindful of the amounts of food you consume at a sitting. When necessary, divide your food in half and ask for a take home bag. It is all too easy to be a “plate cleaner” even when served enormous portions. Learn to pay attention to your hunger level and stop eating when you feel comfortably full, not stuffed.

* Eat your food slowly
Did you ever notice that thin people take an awfully long time to eat their food? Eating slowly is one method that can help take off pounds. That’s because from the time you begin eating it takes the brain 20 minutes to start signaling feelings of fullness. Fast eaters often eat beyond their true level of fullness before the 20 minute signal has had a chance to set in. The amount of calories consumed before you begin to feel full can vary significantly depending on how quickly you eat. So slow down, take smaller bites and enjoy your food.

Source(s):
http://fast-weightloss.blogspot.com/
Fat G · 10 years ago

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magicboi37

Of course the gym and eating right are the best answer to slowly lose weight. There are a lot of pills that do O and the Hollywood drink diet will make you lose about 5 lbs in a week but you will almost immediately put it back on as soon as you stop ( I tried it)
But I use the “Dolly Parton Diet” its basically cabbage soup its really good and tastes great but thats the only thing you eat it’s basically
1 Pack of Lipton beefy onion soup
1 whole cabage cubed
1 large can crushed tomatoes
2 to 3 cans dark red kidney beans
1 onion diced ( optional)
1 green peper cut up ( optional)
1/3 cup vinigar
garlic to taste
bring to a boil and simmer for about a hour.

Good Luck also you dont have to work out but try doing fun things that give you a work out : Miniature golf, Bowling, Frisby, walks in the park etc.

magicboi37 · 10 years ago

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Gabriel

Try to eat a wee bit less but shed a little bit more, and be constant, practice it each individual day while not overdoing it however move forward gradually, maybe 4 years.
It should be a long term project, weight has to be burned as gradually as it was gained.
good luck!

RE:
how to lose weight?
i want to lose 25 pounds in 2 months what would be the best way to lose it without having to go to the gym since i work 9 hours a day

Source(s):
best way to lose weight: –Eat Less–
Gabriel · 3 days ago

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I’ve been size 10 all my life without even trying a lot. Recently I hit my 40th birthday. And now i can see that i’m starting to gain weight. Soon i will need my personal time zone. My metabolism is getting slower i guess. i hate working out so decided to give weight loss supplements a shot. But there are so many…. My friend which is a dietitian said that http://www.verified-forskolin.com is the best since it’s verified by a lot of studies. Maybe somebody tried it? Or should i try garcinia?

Anonymous · 2 weeks ago

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Eric

You can lose weight by either starting a diet or exercising. You should do a combination of both for the fastest results. Exercise can be split up into cardio and weight training. Cardio will burn the fat and weight training will build up muscle and give you a toned look. Do cardio 3-5 times per week for 30-60 minutes per day. Weight training can be done 2-4 times per week. You should also start cutting your calories. Use the daily calorie needs calculator https://tr.im/DailyNewsTrends to estimate how many calories you burn.To lose weight, you need to eat less. Get rid of junk foods that are high in sugar and eat foods that are high in fiber.

Source(s):
https://tr.im/DailyNewsTrends
Eric · 3 months ago

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rayona a

Really all you have to do is improve your eating. By not eating, after a small while you’ll want to raid your kitchen looking for junk, and since your body isn’t getting what it wants, it urges you to take more, holding on the the food and turning it into fat. But, by eating healthy and making sure you have the right portions, you’ll be fine. And you should also make sure you eat slow, so your body can send the message to the brain that you’re full. Also, you should exercise daily. 8 minute abs could work, or cardio. It could be for half an hour or an hour. Even if it was for 10 minutes, you’d still be burning fat. Hope this helped! ???

rayona a · 1 year ago

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Michal

Weight Loss is the process of losing body weight, usually by losing fat. To achieve healthy weight loss, most experts recommend a combination of healthy eating patterns and regular physical exercise. Weight control is a strategy that is adopted as a preventive life style. It is an attitude of keeping weight down. As fried and fatty foods have increased in our diets and the demand for physical labor has decreased, there is an increase in obesity. Most people today are appearance motivated to lose weight.
More info
http://www.eastherb.com/Weight-Loss/weight_loss_s.html

Michal · 10 years ago

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?

Losing fat is a long term project, excess weight needs to go as gradually as it was accumulated.
Indulge a wee bit less but burn off a little bit more, and be persistent, do this just about every single day with out overdoing it however move forward over the years, maybe various years.
take care ?

? · 1 year ago

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Ola

Hey let me tell you mine own story :
I was 19 years old with a very thin body ? I was doing gym with protein shakes but nothing helped me. I started growing bigger after 22 yrs and I must say losing weight is much harder than gaining weight.

To lose weight : Exercise + https://tr.im/DailyNewsTrends
To gain weight : Gym + Carbohydrates

Source(s):
https://tr.im/DailyNewsTrends
Ola · 3 months ago

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S V S

Be sneaky about moving more. Park farther away from the store entrances. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Walk past the restroom to the end of the hall and back. Do leg lifts while you brush your teeth. Jiggle your legs while you sit at your desk. Do stretches while you talk on the phone (a headset helps). Walk faster in the grocery store and go up and down a couple of extra aisles.

And the biggest help of all–DRINK MORE WATER! It will help you feel fuller and you’ll get in more exercise walking to the bathroom!

Good luck!

S V S · 10 years ago

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Kathleen

Its simply impossible to lose weight within 1 week. You need to follow a super magical pill for that. The best way to lose weight is through gym and controlling your heavy diets. I have seen lots of people losing weight through https://tr.im/DailyNewsTrends but its not the only way, you need to restrict yourself from consuming junk food items.

Alternatively start consuming lots of Lemon honey water in the morning ?
Good luck!!

Source(s):
https://tr.im/DailyNewsTrends
Kathleen · 3 months ago

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Healthy foods

About Fruits and Vegetables

Fruits and Vegetables

Fresh, filling and heart-healthy, fruits and vegetables are an important part of your overall healthy eating plan.

They are high in vitamins, minerals and fiber and low in fat and calories. Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may help you control your weight and your blood pressure.

Mom was right; eat your peas and carrots (and grapes and oranges).
The American Heart Association recommends eating eight or more fruit and vegetable servings every day. An average adult consuming 2,000 calories daily should aim for 4.5 cups of fruits and vegetables a day. Also, variety matters, so try a wide range of fruits and veggies. Learn how to get more fruits and vegetables in your diet.

When added sugars and sodium hide, you must seek:
Any product that contains fruit has some natural sugars.  However, sugars are often added to packaged or prepared fruit and may be disguised as many different names on the list of ingredients. The line for “sugars,” as you see on a Nutrition Facts panel, includes both added and naturally occurring sugars. Learn more about sugars.

Sodium is also often added to canned or frozen vegetables. If you’re buying canned or frozen, watch out for added salt and sugar.  When shopping for canned vegetables, be sure to compare food labels and choose the product with the least amount of sodium.   When choosing canned fruit, choose fruit packed in fruit juice or light syrup. If shopping for frozen fruit, select 100% fruit with no added sugar.  Check the labels of frozen products with sauces  as those can be a source of added salt. Limiting sodium can help you reduce the risk for heart disease. Learn more about sodium.

Tips to boost fruits and vegetables to your diet:

  • Keep it colorful. Challenge yourself to try fruits and vegetables of different colors. Make it a  red/green/orange day (apple, lettuce, carrot), or see if you can consume a rainbow of fruits and vegetables during the week.
  • Add it on. Add fruit and vegetables to foods you love. Try adding frozen peas to mac’n’cheese, veggies on top of pizza and slices of fruit on top of breakfast cereals or low-fat ice cream.
  • Mix them up. Add fruits and vegetables to food that’s cooked or baked, or mix vegetables in with pasta sauces, lasagnas, casseroles, soups and omelets. Mixing fresh or frozen berries into pancakes, waffles or muffins is another great way to make fruits and veggies a part of every meal.Nutrition - At Least 4.5 Cups of Fruits and Vegetables a Day (spot)
  • Roast away. Try roasting vegetables like cauliflower, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, onions, carrots, tomatoes or eggplant. Long exposure to high heat will cause these foods to caramelize, which enhances their natural sweetness and reduces bitterness.
  • Use healthier cooking methods. Steaming, grilling, sautéing, roasting, baking and microwaving vegetables are ideal preparation methods. Use fats and oils low in saturated fats sparingly; don’t use trans fats.
    • Enjoy vegetable dippers. Chop raw vegetables into bite-sized pieces. Try bell peppers, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, cauliflower and celery, and dip your favorites into low-fat or fat-free dressings. Dip tip: Read the food label of sauces and dressings to make sure they are not overloaded with saturated fat and salt.
    • Sip smoothies. Smoothies are a great way to increase the amount of fruit you eat and they’re really easy to make. A basic smoothie is just frozen fruit, some low-fat or non-fat milk and/or yogurt, and 100% fruit juice all processed together in a blender until smooth. Experiment with different fruits to find out what you really like.  Note that some cholesterol-lowering medications may interact with grapefruit, grapefruit juice, pomegranate and pomegranate juice. Please talk to your health care provider about any potential risks.
    • Try fruit pops. Put 100% fruit juice in an ice tray and freeze it overnight. You can eat the fruit cubes as mini-popsicles or put them in other juices. Frozen seedless grapes make natural mini-popsicles and are a great summer treat.
    • Enjoy fruit desserts. Fresh or canned fruit in light syrup or natural fruit juice, gelatin containing fruit and dried fruit are good choices for a dessert.
    • Check out recipes featuring fruits and vegetables.

Healthy Snacks

A List of Healthy Snacks for Adults Who Are on the Go All the Time

| By Rhiannon Clouse

author image Rhiannon Clouse
Rhiannon Clouse has been writing professionally since 2009. She has published several health and science articles online as well as work focusing on pregnancy and fertility. She holds a Bachelor of Science in biology and a Master of Science in developmental neuroscience from the University of Wisconsin.
A List of Healthy Snacks for Adults Who Are on the Go All the Time
A List of Healthy Snacks for Adults Who Are on the Go All the Time Photo Credit Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images

Overview

Busy schedules can wreak havoc on the waistline as the importance of a nutritious diet is pushed aside in favor of fast and easy high-fat snack foods. However, with a bit of preparation and a well stocked refrigerator, it’s possible to satisfy your hunger with some quick, healthy and portable snacks.

Dairy Snacks

A List of Healthy Snacks for Adults Who Are on the Go All the Time
Portable options include string cheese and yogurt. Photo Credit Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images

Low-fat dairy products are an excellent source of calcium, vitamin D and protein. Portable options include string cheese and yogurt. Additionally, many other cheeses are available in convenient snack sizes and small portions. Examples include cottage cheese, gouda, cheddar cheese and brie. When you are on the go, it is very important that you keep your dairy snacks cool so avoid spoilage or bacterial growth. Keep snacks in a cold-pack case or small cooler with a freezer pack.

Hard-Boiled Eggs

A List of Healthy Snacks for Adults Who Are on the Go All the Time
For a quick lunch or snack on the go, pack along some hard-boiled eggs. Photo Credit Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images

For a quick lunch or snack on the go, pack along some hard-boiled eggs. Make life even easier by preparing a dozen at once before the work week begins. Hard-boiled eggs are packed with protein, vitamin D, lutein, vitamin A, choline and other important nutrients. Like dairy products, you will want to keep your hard-boiled eggs cool in a small, cold-pack cooler with a freezer pack tucked inside.

Seeds and Nuts

A List of Healthy Snacks for Adults Who Are on the Go All the Time
The seeds and nuts of many plants are high protein nutritious sources of fiber, vitamins and minerals. Photo Credit Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images

The seeds and nuts of many plants are high protein nutritious sources of fiber, vitamins and minerals. Their high content of healthy fats also makes them great for snacks to satiate hunger. Whole almonds are a heart-healthy source of protein and energy. Cashews are lower in fat and packed with protective antioxidants. Sesame seeds and tahini provide an excellent source of essential minerals such as manganeses and copper. Peanuts are a healthy source of protein, vitamins and a chemical called resveratrol, studied for its apparent anti-aging effects.

Fruits and Veggies

Fruits and vegetables are always easy and nutritious choices for snacking. Fruits that can be eaten with the skin on make the most convenient and portable snacks. These include apples, plums, peaches and pears to name a few. Small fruits that are eaten whole, such as berries and grapes are also excellent choices. For vegetable lovers, carrot and celery sticks are healthy and easy to transport in a lunch bag. Other vegetable choices include whole green beans, sugar snap peas and sweet pepper slices.

Jokes

Marriage Jokes
Newest Jokes

Wearing Husband Goggles

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”

Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Marriage Jokes

A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Corny Jokes, Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

Daily Life Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Marriage Jokes

When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.”

John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Valentine’s Day Jokes

Misreading the Signals

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”

Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners

Bad Things to Tell Your Wife

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Might Be The Wine Talking…

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”

Submitted by Marvin Keeler, 
Salina, Kansas

Marriage Jokes

Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

Funny Quotes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Political Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Sock it to Me

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

Submitted by Justin Ezzi, 
Wilmington, California

Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Confessions of a Military Wife

My husband is infantry, and 
he said the most wonderful things 
to convince me to marry him:

• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.

• I could have as many babies as 
I want because giving birth is free.

• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.

Mollie Gross 
(molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions 
of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.

Marriage Jokes, Military Jokes, Relationship Jokes

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Submitted by reader D. T.

Marriage Jokes, One-Liners

Forever Late

After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

Marriage Jokes

Father of The Bribe

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Two thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Five thousand!”

We eloped to Spain.

Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”

“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

“Then I’ll marry you.”

“You can’t marry me either.”

He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.

Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California

Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
More Jokes

A Familiar Patient

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that … READ MORE

A Home Affair

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an … READ MORE

Realistic Romantic Comedies

• When Harry Met Sally and 
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos

• Love Handles, Actually

• Runaway Bridal Expenses

—From humorlabs.com

Tailor-Made Quips

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m … READ MORE

What About the Other Half?

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”

—Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Why Marriage is Difficult

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

—Richard Pryor

A Culinary Adventure

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

—Henny Youngman

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

—Source: Funny in Canada Survey

Tweeter’s Digest: Just Chill

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

@TheNardvark

Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

@RobinMcCauley

Exhibit A-Cup

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

In Your Dreams

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a … READ MORE

Home Insecurity

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I … READ MORE

How I Met Your Father

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”

“Not really,” I replied.

“Did you marry him for his money?”

“Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any… READ MORE

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

Winning Numbers

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

One and Only

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”

Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said… READ MORE

Love and Learning

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”

In Training

I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

For the Mrs?

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

“Because your mother … READ MORE

The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” … READ MORE

What’s That Smell?

For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. “What’s this?” he asked.”Guess,” I said coyly.”I have no idea,” he said. “It smells like… READ MORE

Years of Romance

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and … READ MORE

Sailing vs. Shopping

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water. Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had… READ MORE

True Love

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, “Isn’t it nice to be here when… READ MORE

Usual Suspicions

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. “You’re running around with another woman— admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!” That … READ MORE

Reporting for Duty

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. “It’s not going to work for me,” he said, panicked. “Why not?” I asked. “Because I use my … READ MORE

The Birthday Present

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. “Kids,” he said over the din, “if you would … READ MORE

Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he … READ MORE

Right Answer

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner… READ MORE

Minor Procedure

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.” “Did you hear that?” she asked her husband. “No sex for three days.” “I … READ MORE

Taking Turns

Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket. Me: Paper or plastic? Customer: I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible. Me: Okay. Customer: In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, … READ MORE

Working it Out

One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose … READ MORE

Pick Me Up

I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: “You’re a great artist,” “You’re a wonderful … READ MORE

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help. “The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’” “Monogamy,” he answered.

Here To Stay

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. “You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?” he asked his friend. “Yeah,” came the reply. “My wife.”

For Richer and For Poorer

“When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”

Assumed Name

A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while. “I forgot your phone number,” he said. “You could’ve looked… READ MORE

Lightbulb

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

In Trouble

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. “Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words,” she says. “… READ MORE

Happy

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was. “Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said. “… READ MORE

Doing Something Wrong

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet. “What did you do wrong?” I said with a laugh. He mumbled back, “I got married.”

Reason for Visit

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me.”

Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I … READ MORE

Too Many Cooks

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. “Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now … READ MORE

Relative Comfort

As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: “Move.”

Waking Up

It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. “My, you’re pretty!” he said. “Have I asked you to… READ MORE

Romantic Travel

When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man. “I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man,” my father said. My mother mumbled, “I did.”

Flirting Trouble

Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm … that Vicks smells good.”

The Best Sleep

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, &… READ MORE

GPS

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends. Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions? Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override. Friend #1: What’s a GPS override? Friend #2: My … READ MORE

Relearning

Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, “Me too.&… READ MORE

Designated Driver

I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?” He replied, “I can’t drive.”

A Second Opinion Joke

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. “Things have gotten so bad,” she said, “I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think… READ MORE

Excuses

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. “Look,” I said to my wife. “What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat.” “Get it,” she said. “Then you’ll… READ MORE

The Pearly Gates

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, “she’s there.&… READ MORE

Car Nut

My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”

Enduring Love

My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon. “It’s a term of endearment,” I explained. My husband mumbled, “After more than 40 years, it’s a term of endurement.”

Once in a Lifetime

Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. “I’m renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I’ve reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town,” she said. Our teacher … READ MORE

Subject to Approval

An item on craigslist: “Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she’s home, $100.”

Proper Lighting

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.” I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights.”

Squeaky Wheel

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it… READ MORE

Marriage and Weight

How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.

Marriage Secrets

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, “We never go to sleep angry.” “That’s a great philosophy,” I noted. “Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.”

Second Marriage

‘If I were to die first, would you remarry?” the wife asks. “Well,” says the husband, “I’m in good health, so why not?” “Would she live in my house?” “It’s all paid up, so yes.” “Would … READ MORE

Review and Repeat

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. “Allow me to clarify,” he said in response. “I review. You repeat.”

It’s All Relative

En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. “Relatives?” he asked my mother. Not taking the bait, she responded, “Yeah, through marriage.”

Smart Pills

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive “brain-stimulating” pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. “This is just rosemary extract,” I complained to my husband. “I … READ MORE

Final Farewell

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, … READ MORE

Lost the Keys

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall. “Don’t bother—that was my bed,&quot… READ MORE

Fresh Flowers

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.”What’s the point?” my husband said. &… READ MORE

Rear Window Love

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and … READ MORE

Hypothetical Hollywood

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.”Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.I thought about… READ MORE

Can of Peaches

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. “Your Honor, I stole a … READ MORE

Problem Solver

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. “That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ &… READ MORE

Say It With Flowers

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.”For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?&quot… READ MORE

Wedlock Wonder

Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:”When people marry more … READ MORE

Business Trip

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We … READ MORE

Last Minute Gift

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair. When I asked him if he … READ MORE

Room For Two

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, “Is this for a special occasion?” “Yes,” I replied. “… READ MORE

Missing the Groom

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to … READ MORE

Wrong Date

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, “This way I can’t forget the date.” A few hours later, I … READ MORE

Different Meanings

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant’s desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, … READ MORE

Uninvited

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. “I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D,” the first con says to the other. “The warden’s mighty upset about it too.””Why?” asks the … READ MORE

Conspiracy Theory

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine… READ MORE

Dog Helper

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my … READ MORE

Getting Rid of Something

The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too. “What does he need me for?” he asked. “He appears … READ MORE

Love Days

Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication. She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the… READ MORE

Running Errands

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene. “I have to go,&quot… READ MORE

Always Right

My granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”I said, “The… READ MORE

Asking for Assistance

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, “This doesn’t feel… READ MORE

Beautiful Sight

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively. “Yeah,” she said. “You doing housework.”

Cheater

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, “Before I die, I have something to confess to you.” “Shh, not now,” she replies.”But I need to tell you: I cheated on you,” he … READ MORE

Clueless

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?””That’s up to you,” I replied. “… READ MORE

Criminal Thinking

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. “That’s a long time,” I observed.”A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something just occurred to me.&… READ MORE

Divorce Settlement

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. “Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired. “No,” I replied.&… READ MORE

Eating Issues

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then … READ MORE

Exercise Route

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how … READ MORE

Fat Jump

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style. Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat … READ MORE

From Two Different Worlds

In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.Afterward… READ MORE

Hearing Problems

I think my wife’s going deaf,” Joe told their doctor. “Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment,” the doctor said. So that evening, when his wife was … READ MORE

Just Say No

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. “She would say that,” Jeff interjected. “She’s not the type to say… READ MORE

Knocked Out

I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. “I wish we could trade places,” I said, knowing how much he dreaded the coming ordeal. He watched as I gathered our newborn … READ MORE

Large Servings

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and … READ MORE

Last One Out

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed … READ MORE

Literally Speaking

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?””It depends,” I replied. “What… READ MORE

Mapping it Out

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. “Honey,” my husband joked when I told him, “after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need … READ MORE

Mysterious Hotel Guest

A Connecticut chap, an incorrigible practical joker, often makes his long-suffering wife the butt of his painful pranks. But last fall she finally got her chance to even the score. The couple were spending the weekend in a New York hotel. … READ MORE

One Loud Trip

Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed aboard the noisy contraption in our bedroom, where my husband was reading a book. After… READ MORE

One Stop Cleanup

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.When I popped in one evening to … READ MORE

Opposite in Nature

My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites … READ MORE

Other Commitments

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. “Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week,” I said. “Absolutely,” my husband agreed, “three times as a … READ MORE

Paying For It

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. “Have you ever paid for sex?” the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.… READ MORE

Pregnant Swap

I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband. One day I told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!” He … READ MORE

Separation

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. “Sweetie,” the woman replied. “I just spent ten days… READ MORE

Sink or Swim

While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. “It was my wife’s idea,” I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. “She’s buying it for me as a … READ MORE

Surgery fix

A hairdressing client of mine told me of her husband’s recovery after having double bypass heart surgery. She had recounted the doctor’s orders to her husband, saying, “In six weeks you’ll be able to walk up two flights of stairs, lift… READ MORE

Switching Roles

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they’re together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.&… READ MORE

Switching Sizes

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

Tapping Communication

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.One tap meant “Give me a kiss.” Two taps meant “No.” Three taps meant “Yes… READ MORE

The Missing Shoe

One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous … READ MORE

The Right Marriage

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you,” she pointed out. “Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I … READ MORE

Third Times a Charm

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few … READ MORE

Throwing Your Money Away

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and … READ MORE

Til’ Death Do Us Part

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.”Why don’t you ever wear your ring?” I asked. “It cuts off my circulation,” Paul replied.”I know,” I said. “It’s supposed to.&… READ MORE

True Colors

As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. “What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?” I asked. Giving me a casual glance, she replied… READ MORE

Unattractive Undergarments

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones… READ MORE

Unused Equipment

Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.”Your bicycle has been … READ MORE

Worry Wart

After ten years of widowhood, I remarried. Leaving work one wintry evening, I told a colleague that it was very gratifying to once again have someone worry about me if the roads were icy. My new husband would be awaiting my arrival, I said… READ MORE

Dark Shadow

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. “I don’t know what you’ve … READ MORE

Expensive Love

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.”With this ring…” I began romantically… READ MORE

Expensive Present

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift. That evening as we were watching television, the … READ MORE

Getting the Blues

My sister went shopping for blue jeans with her husband, Steve. She chose a few pairs to try on and went into the fitting room, while Steve waited outside. A minute later he heard her crying softly. Concerned, Steve said through the door, &… READ MORE

Giving In

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, “My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself.”His friend nodded. “I like … READ MORE

Matched Up

When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet. Caught up in the romance of the … READ MORE

No Going Back

My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk’s office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information—names, dates of birth, etc.— the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, “No refunds, no exchanges, … READ MORE

One Big Mess

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. “I guess it was in our stars,” he sighed. “What do you mean?” I asked.”Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. … READ MORE

Painful Love

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee. “Are you serious?” I asked, laughing.”Of course I’m … READ MORE

Rough Times

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.”How long have you been married?” I asked.”Ten years,” she replied.

Silent Treatment

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. “Oh,” I said, “now you’re speaking to me.”He looked confused. ‘… READ MORE

Stock Talk

I realized that the ups and downs of the stock market had become too big a part of our life one night as my husband and I prepared for bed. As we slid beneath the covers, I snuggled up to him and told him I loved him.Drifting off to sleep, … READ MORE

Surprising Birthday Present

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. “Father’s date of birth?” she asked. When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his… READ MORE

The Mysterious Sender

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. “No card is necessary,” he instructed us. “She’ll know who sent them.”The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone … READ MORE

Tailgating Tattletale

My wife and I get along just great—except she’s a back-seat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, my cell phone rang as I merged onto a freeway bypass. It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass right … READ MORE

Hot Off the Press

As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, “Can you believe the … READ MORE

Farm and Family

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: &… READ MORE

Sleepless in Suburbia

Different rules apply between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., I find. Things that would ordinarily not even qualify as mildly amusing will often, at 3 a.m., strike the ear as high comedy.