Senior Citizens Jokes

Clean Funny Senior Citizen Jokes

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes

Clean funny senior citizen jokes for senior folks who can take a joke and make a joke. Help yourself to these free clean jokes for a funny inner workout.

“The Old Days”

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”

The little boy was amazed, and sat silently for a minute. Finally he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”

Free Clean Jokes:
“Three Senior Pals”

Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Hearing Better Now”

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Hospital Regulations”

Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.

One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.

When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.

But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.

In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

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Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Write It Down”

A couple in their nineties are both having some short term memory loss.

While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Later that evening they’re sitting and reading, when the husband gets up.

“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.

“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.

“Okay.”

“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”

“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”

“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”

“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”

A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”

He waddles out to the the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.

She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“The Game”

On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats.

The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.

But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.

“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”

The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.

The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”

The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.

He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.

Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.

The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.

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Waking up at 4:30 am

 

What I learned by waking up at 4:30 a.m. for 21 days

matos 02Filipe Castro Matos

In 2014, I put myself to a new challenge. It was one of the biggest life hacks I’ve ever done.

The challenge was simple: waking up 21 consecutive workdays at 4:30 a.m., a challenge I gave the name of #21earlydays. I was already used to waking up early (6 a.m. almost every day), but this time I wanted to go further. I wanted to test myself and be more aware of my own limits. And at the same time, my idea was to share my progress with the world and try to change some preconceived ideas that society obliges us to follow.

I chose to do the challenge only on workdays, because I knew that weekends and holidays are radically different for me. There are times that I work even on these days, but most of the time I have other plans that include going out at night. Yes, I could do the challenge every day, but I thought that it’s a question of balance in life. As my idea since day 1 was to continue even after the 21 days, this would be more of a struggle than a true benefit.

And why 21 days? Well, I based it on the old idea of Dr. Maxwell Maltz that says you need 21 days to form a new habit (not necessarily true for many habits). I didn’t know if it’d work, but for me it was more for the sake of establishing a goal. One lesson I always apply to life is to always establish a goal when you want to change or reach something because only in this way will you understand if you succeeded or failed.

But what was the final goal in all this? It’s all about productivity and making the most of my days. I’m always thinking of ways to improve my work and my life, and I like to think about details and take action if I think I could improve. I’ve known for a long time that I am a morning person, and so the goal was to increase my morning time to see if it would increase my productivity.

matos 01Filipe Castro MatosFilipe Castro Matos.

So, what have I learned from this? A LOT:

1. If you want to change something in your life, it’s always better if you have support along the way.

It will be this support that keeps you on track when you’re about to give up. In my case, I opted to share my journey on Facebook with my friends and acquaintances. I knew that I would need this, because if no one knew I was doing this, no one would hold me accountable for failing.

But when you share your journey, people will ask you how it’s going, whether they agree or not. And in my head, I could not give up and show weakness. I knew I wouldn’t disappoint anyone, because this isn’t such an important thing. But if I could inspire at least one person in the end, I couldn’t give up for that person’s sake.

2. People like to see different things.

And someone waking up so early is definitely not a normal thing, so I had huge engagement in my posts! People concerned about me. People asking a lot of questions. And people stating that this would be impossible for them. I had great and deep conversations because of my posts and I couldn’t be more thankful to everyone that interacted with me. You made me think about many things, and part of this post is also a result of these conversations.

3. People don’t wake up earlier because they think they have to sleep less.

In the first days, some people were really concerned about me. Most questions were about only one thing: the time I sleep. Of course, I had this well planned. I know very well what my body demands, and as I changed the time when I wake up, I changed the time I go to bed, too. Simple.

Usually I sleep between 6 and 7 hours during the week, and I maintained exactly that during the #21earlydays. So when it’s 9:30 or 10 p.m., it’s time to go to bed. To my surprise, the majority of the people that asked me the time I sleep, sleep less than me. And me? In fact, I’m sleeping even more now than before!

4. Eliminate the obstacles along the way.

People always say that doing something like this is impossible for them. Yes, there are a few situations that can make it harder. But I also believe that many people just don’t want to go the extra mile to improve their lives.

Society in general is lazy, and many people go with the flow. Yes, I have some conditions that helped me do this: I’m single with no children, and I have complete control over my daily routine. But I have most of these things because I created this situation.

When I lived with my parents, this would have been way more difficult, because I had the context of the family environment. So, I started this challenge when I knew I’d extinguished many of the struggles along the way. Think of everything that’s getting you down and preventing you from reaching that goal you’ve wanted but have never achieved. This is applicable to stopping smoking, going to the gym or eating more fruits and vegetables.

Getting rid of your obstacles makes it easier to achieve your final goal. In my case, I knew that I’d need several things: total independence in my life, i.e., over my working hours or dinnertime; the ability to go to bed anytime I want and to not be interrupted during my sleep; and the ability of working anywhere and anytime I want. I have all of this.

I usually work in startups, which means that I have huge flexibility in my time and that’s why I can be working at 4:30 a.m. This flexibility also allows me to come back home earlier. In addition, no one depends on me and I’m not dependent on anyone. And despite living with 7 other people in a shared house, I reach sleep easily at such an early hour.

matos 05Filipe Castro MatosOne of the perks of leaving the office earlier is more daylight hours free.

5. Your physical condition helps a lot.

Regarding sleeping, I’m clearly a fortunate guy! I fall asleep really fast (5 minutes on average), I sleep well (rarely wake up during the night) and anywhere if needed, and I have no problems waking up (when the alarm rings, I get out of bed instantly).

Of course, this is also a consequence of my lifestyle: I eat well, I practice sports every day, and I don’t have big and permanent worries in my life. But even given this, I believe that there are many people that could improve their sleeping. It’s always about changing little things, and after a few weeks or months, you’ll feel the impact of all those little changes. I’m at this point as a result of years understanding how my body behaves and what I could improve. I didn’t change yesterday.

6. Forget snooze!

Fortunately, I rarely used such things in my life, and these #21earlydays only help to convince me of the uselessness of it. For me, snooze is one of the worst inventions ever, and it doesn’t help people. If you want to wake up at a certain hour, please do and don’t delay it for 10 minutes!

One simple snooze will seriously affect your day  —  studies show that you’ll be even more tired after sleeping that 10 minutes and this makes people delay several other things. Nothing good comes of snooze.

7. I like to sleep, but my body only needs 6 or 7 hours.

After that, I don’t take any special pleasure in being in bed, and I prefer to go out and do the interesting things that exist in the world. Because when I die, I’ll have a lot of time to sleep!

8. More working hours.

Since I started waking up at 4:30 a.m., I won 2 hours of work per day. How? As I said, I’m a morning person and after 6 p.m., I don’t do anything valuable (even my afternoons are less productive). So with this hack I took out 2 unproductive hours of my night, when I usually was on my laptop passing time, and I won 2 hours, when I get lots of work done. A rested mind and 2 hours of complete silence while the rest the world is still sleeping are extremely powerful and make miracles.

9. I get messages out of the way.

Usually, during these 2 hours, I answer all my emails and messages and plan the rest of the day. Having an ‘Inbox Zero’ at 6:30 a.m. is great, but the best part for me is the fact that I have no instant answer to my emails and messages. Especially on Facebook, this is something that can destroy your productivity, as it’s perfectly possible for you to spend all day chatting with people. And if you think twice, you’ll see that the majority of people don’t need an urgent answer and nothing bad happens if you wait to answer them tomorrow.

matos 03Filipe Castro MatosMatos used to be content with exercising three times a week, but now he easily works out four or five times per week.

10. More time at the gym.

Before these #21earlydays, I was already going to the gym. But since I started waking up at 4:30 a.m., I’m going more times per week. Before, three times was good, but now I can’t live without going at least four or five times. I truly believe that the fact I wake up earlier helps this as I don’t go to the gym so tired and when I go, I have already worked 2 hours. This helps on those days when you think you don’t have time to exercise.

11. A new view on the world.

Waking up so early allowed me to see details around me that I’ve never seen before. Going running while the sun is rising or exploring different places in Lisbon during unexpected hours were impossible things with a “normal schedule.”

matos 04Filipe Castro MatosThe sunrise over Lisbon.

12. Yes, you need the will to do it.

If you don’t have it, no one will have it for you, and it’s highly likely you’ll give up. If you have the will, no one will stop you!

Filipe Castro Matos is a digital marketer and entrepreneur. He currently works at Startup Lisboa. Follow Filipe on Twitter.

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Flowers of Florida

Passionate about plants? So are we! Costa Farms is a wholesale grower that discovers, develops, and grows plants for your home and life — indoors and out. We’re your online gardening resource for plant info and inspiration. Our articles, blogs, tips, and photos help you use plants to beautify your living spaces and enhance your life.

Flowers for Florida

We’ve hand-picked the Flowers for Florida collection just for Florida gardeners. These plants bloom beautifully and hold up to Florida’s tough weather. If you’re new to gardening in the state or just want something that’s easy to grow, look no farther than Flowers for Florida. Because different plants do better in certain seasons, we adjust the plants in the collection accordingly — so visit your local garden center every few months to see what varieties do best throughout the entire year.

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Oyster Plant

Rhoeo spathacea

Oyster plant, also sometimes called Moses-in-the-cradle, is an exceptionally easy-to-grow plant that’s popular indoors and out. As a houseplant, it’s loved for its no-fuss nature. Oyster plant is one of the houseplants that basically just needs…

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Evolvulus

Evolvulus pilosus

Paint your garden beds or containers with the lovely blue blooms of evolvulus. Planted in a sunny spot, this lovely spreader smothers itself with a nonstop wave of ocean-blue flowers atop a mound of pretty blue-green foliage. Bees and butterflies…

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Cat’s Whiskers

Orthosiphon aristatus

Cat’s whiskers may be for you if you want a fun tropical plant to add texture and interest to garden beds, borders, or containers. A beautiful specimen that always grabs attention, cat’s whiskers earns its common name because the spikes of flowers…

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Scaevola

Scaevola spp.

The flower-encrusted, cascading branches of scaevola make it an ideal choice for window boxes, hanging baskets, or tall containers where it’s trailing form can flow over the container’s edge. Scaevola, occasionally called fan flower, is a…

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Verbena

Verbena spp.

Imagine a plant that blooms nonstop from early summer to fall and requires only a minimum of attention from you! Well that’s what you’ll get with verbena. This large family of tender perennials (treated as annuals throughout most of the country)…

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Purslane

Portulaca oleracea

Hot, dry conditions are no match for purslane. This vigorous, low-growing annual flower thrives when the weather heats up and will slowly carpet a bed, border, or container with pretty succulent foliage and bright yellow-, orange-, or rose-, or…

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Plumbago

Plumbago auriculata

Gardeners everywhere find it easy to fall in love with plumbago, a tropical flowering shrub that blooms nonstop and produces clusters of sky-blue flowers — one of the rarest colors in the flower world. Hardy in Zones 9 and 10, plumbago typically…

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Salvia, Annual

Salvia spp.

In almost constant bloom, annual salvia will add tons of color to your summer border or containers. Growing 12 to 24 inches tall, annual salvia is prized for its rich blue, red, or white flowers that form on stately stalks that are easy to cut for…

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Golden Dewdrop

Duranta erecta

Golden dewdrop is a beautiful tropical flowering shrub that’s often grown as an annual in the North. It offers gardeners a spectacular show of beautiful blue or white flowers all summer long. (And in the tropics, golden dewdrop blooms on and off…

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Butterfly Bush

Buddelia davidii

As fragrant as it is beautiful, buddleia, commonly called butterfly bush, is must-have plant for your garden. Available in standard varieties that grow 6 feet tall and dwarfs that top out at 18 inches, you’ll find a butterfly bush that’s perfect…

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Cuphea

Cuphea spp.

Talk about summer color! Cuphea produces fiery hot blooms all summer long. This Mexican native works well as a bedding plant or in mixed containers with annual bloomers. Throughout most of the country, cuphea is grown as an annual, but in…

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Bolivian Sunset Gloxinia

Gloxinia sylvatica

Bolivian Sunset gloxinia is a stunning winter-flowering shrub that shows off sprays of bold, red-orange flowers. These blooms are a delightful contrast to its shiny, dark green foliage. Because Bolivian Sunset gloxinia is a low grower (and easy),…

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Jacobinia

Justicia carnea

Jacobinia, also called justicia and Brazilian plume, is a beautiful tropical flowering shrub that displays gorgeous clusters of pink or white flowers that look like fireworks. It’s a common, easy-to-grow plant in tropical areas like Southern…

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Lantana

Lantana camara

Crowds of colorful butterflies will flock to your garden when you grow lantana. This super productive plant puts out a nonstop supply of bright, nectar-rich flowers all summer long. Lantana loves hot, sunny weather and is tolerant of both drought…

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Pentas

Pentas lanceolata

Imagine flocks of colorful butterflies and hummingbirds visiting your garden all summer long! That’s what you’ll get when you add pentas to your garden plan. Pentas develop sparkling star-shaped flowers all summer long in bold hues of red, white,…

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Shooting Star

Pseuderanthemum laxiflorum

Shooting star is an under-utilized flowering shrub that’s worth growing if you can find it. It’s prized for its lustrous green leaves and steady supply of star-shaped purple flowers from mid-spring to early winter. A relatively small shrub, it’s…

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Mexican Petunia

Ruellia brittoniana

Add color and height to your summer borders with Mexican petunia, occasionally called ruellia. This easy-care plant grows 3 feet tall and develops waves of blue, white, or pink petunia-like flowers through the summer. Mexican petunia is great…

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Sanchezia

Sanchezia nobilis

Sanchezia is a beautiful flowering shrub that also has amazing foliage. Once only grown in the tropics, its beauty and easy-growing nature is making it an increasingly popular plant to grow in the north. Most of the year, sanchezia’s main…

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Persian Shield

Strobilanthes dyerianus

Whether you live in the North or South or have sun or shade, you can grow Persian shield. This delightful tropical shrub has been embraced by gardeners everywhere for its amazing purple foliage that has a decidedly iridescent shine. Its unique…

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Zinnia

Zinnia elegans

It’s hard to imagine a flower border without zinnia! These super easy annuals have been prized by gardeners for generations. Zinnia requires almost no care and will produce crop after crop of spirit-lifting flowers that work as well in the border…

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Firebush

Hamelia patens

Firebush is for you if you’re looking for an easy-to-grow plant that’s colorful and attracts butterflies and hummingbirds! Native to Florida, firebush is a tropical landscape shrub that shows off tube-shaped yellow-and-orange flowers. In areas that…

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Canna

Canna hybrida

Add bold color and drama to flower beds or containers with canna lilies. These easy-care tropical bulbs are prized for their super-sized leaves in bright green, bronze, black, or variegated. Plus, cannas shoot up showy stalks of yellow, red,…

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Coreopsis

Coreopsis spp.

Amp up the color in your flower borders with coreopsis. This amazing native plant, occasionally called tickseed, develops mass quantities of yellow, orange, rose, lavender, white, or bi-colored flowers through the early summer. Coreopsis is…

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Lamium

Lamium

Silver leaves and soft pink flowers make lamium one of the most colorful fast-growing groundcovers you can use in shady or partially shady spots. Occasionally called dead nettle, this super-easy plant grows about 6 to 8 inches tall and will light…

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Blanket Flower

Gaillardia

Native to the American prairies, gaillardia, commonly called blanket flower, is a tough, drought-resistant, sun-loving perennial that’s super easy to grow. Blanket flower’s festive, solid or patterned flowers in red, orange, or yellow appear…

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Coneflower

Echinacea

One of the best flowering perennials for sunny sites, echinacea, commonly called coneflower, is a snap to grow. These heat- and drought-resistant beauties develop wave after wave of blooms all summer long. Plus, coneflowers, are a top menu item for…

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tip of the day

Is your cat munching on your houseplants? Spray plant leaves with water and then sprinkle them with cayenne pepper.

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